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| Dilemma And I Need Advice; (long story as usual) | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Jul 7 2011, 07:37 AM (559 Views) | |
| lordnewtown | Jul 7 2011, 07:37 AM Post #1 |
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Geoff Horsfield
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Ok before I start let me say this, anyone who reads this and thinks "Oh not this sort of thing AGAIN lordnewtown!", please, I've done that myself so what I'm looking for here is advice on what to do next, not criticism for what's already occured. Ok, here we go: In about 3 weeks, just over, I'm supposed to be going on holiday to Jamaica with my wife and my 14 month old daughter for 3 weeks. But at this moment in time, I'm 50/50 on whether or not I should be going. My wife is the one who booked the whole thing, plane tickets, hotels etc and we'd probably split the general cost of stuff when we're there. I said at the time of booking that I could get the time off work no problem but the first complication is that out of the 3 weeks, I can only get ONE WEEK off as paid holiday, in other words, with 2 weeks unpaid leave, I'll be only getting half a wage that month, and money is already friggin tight anyway. If I stayed at home, the airline have already told me that she can get a full refund, plus it will be money that she'll save by me not being there, and I would be able to have a week off with pay and then work the 2 weeks and get a normal wage. I could even do extra work because I'll be by myself so no point being at home too much. Then there's the minor issue of the fact that I actually don't WANT to go, but that's just me. Then there is also the fact, or fear, with something else. Without going into too much detail, the last couple of months have been very stressful for my wife, and in turn, for me as well, and we've not exactly been getting on like a house on fire. My concern is that if I go, and we end up arguing over there as well, it could be worse because the situation will be more stressful, it's not like I can go out and cool off like here, and it could be very damaging. We've never done this before, but I have heard other couples say that in cases like these, a husband and wife having a few weeks away from each other can be just what the relationship needs to improve things. But on the other hand, I really really don't want to be away from my daughter for 3 weeks. I would miss her like crazy and probably spend the first week in a state of misery and then the next 2 weeks in anxiety hoping that she's safe. But that said, my wife made it clear to me that there may be times in the future where I can'tget out of work and they go away themselves so I'll have to get used to it at some point. But still, the thought of not seeing my daughter for 3 weeks makes me uncomfortable. There is also the issue that my wife is actually going not just for a holiday but also to sort some business interests there, and has told me that most weekdays while we're there, she'll be gone in the day and I'll be looking after my girl. Well, as much as I love every minute with my girl, that don't sound like much of a holiday to me! I could do that in Birmingham, where I'm surrounded by familiarity, and if me and my girl were here and the wife in Jamaica, I could put her in nursery in the day while I'm at work and look after her evenings and weekends. In other words, I can't help thinking that I'm only being brought along as a babysitter. Since my daughter was born, my wife has (with some justification I admit) continuously slagged off MY parents and family for being no help whatsoever with my daughter. And one of the constant arguments is "If my mum was here she'd......my mum would do this........my sister would help in that way...etc". Well, say I don't go, but my wife is still hell-bent on these 'business interests', by her own admission, my daughter would be perfectly okay with her family. But this whole thing is causing me A LOT of stress right now because I'm waiting for the right time to broach the subject with my wife (and I fear that the conversation will not go well) but at the same time, even though the airline said refunds are not a problem, for the bigger picture, it's something I'm running out of time with to discuss. I don't know what to do and I hate the situation I'm in, I'm being made to choose between my heart and my head. The thought of being apart from my daughter for 3 weeks hurts me, but all the practicalities of the situation seem to suggest that it would be better for me to stay in Birmingham. And advice whatsoever would be great. |
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| maulley54 | Jul 7 2011, 08:41 AM Post #2 |
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Mikael Forssell
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wow what a problem. i am sure you have thought of nothing else lately but you need to make a decision very quickly. it doesnt sound like much of a holiday to me and with no holiday pay only 1 week it will be an expensive one. to stay behind with your daughter at the child minders i think would be unfair to your daughter because she would miss her mum and you most of the time. at least over there she will see more of her mum and family. its easier for you to deal with that than a child. i think sometimes it is good to be apart for a little while as then there will be no argueing and absence makes the heart grow fonder. if it was me i would stay behind and let your wife and daughter go, as hard as it is, 3 weeks will shoot by. do some extra work while you can and earn some extra money and spoil them both when they come home. why not cancel your weeks holiday from work and take it later when your daughter is back home and spend some quality time with her. hope this helps, maulley. |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 08:45 AM Post #3 |
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Mike Skinner
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You say you don’t want criticism, but Jesus Christ, someone needs to give you a slap let alone a criticism. You have no money yet book a 3 week holiday? and only have 1 week paid. You seem to rush into things and think of the consequences later, until you sort that out there really is no hope for you and you'll end up doing another thread like this in a few weeks time with a similar issue. As for going, I'd cancel it completely; have a week in Devon/Wales with the family, sounds a lot more within your means. I just cant get my head around why you would book a 3 week holiday to Jamaica when money is tight :unsure: I dont get this going for business lark from you mrs, you sure she aint having it off with someone, why would she spend a lot of a money on a 3 week holiday to work every day. Who does she work for? Surely they should be paying if it’s a business trip. You will be left babysitting as you say, great fun... Who goes on holiday for 3 weeks at a time especially when they have a baby :blink: Oh and don’t have a go at me for giving you an honest answer, sounds to me as if no one has given it you straight for a long time, you need to have a serious word with yourself. |
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| lordnewtown | Jul 7 2011, 08:50 AM Post #4 |
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Geoff Horsfield
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Sounds like YOU need a friggin slap! If you read my post you'd see that MY WIFE booked the holiday, so don't go having go at me for booking a holiday when money's tight. My wife's money isn't tight, and she's the one who booked it. But to imply that she's doing the dirty on me is out of order, I know full well what her business interests are and it's nothing like that! How come Maulley could read the exact same post and give me some decent feedback yet you can't? |
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| lordnewtown | Jul 7 2011, 08:58 AM Post #5 |
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Geoff Horsfield
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Cheers Maulley, I particularly like the advice about taking the week's holiday when we're all at home, never looked at it like that before. |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 08:59 AM Post #6 |
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Mike Skinner
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:LOL: you want advice I gave it, you just moan anyway, your wife booked a 3 week holiday and you just let here, grow a pair of balls. You don’t like what you hear then why ask for advice, the truth hurts buddy. Get your life in check |
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| lordnewtown | Jul 7 2011, 09:06 AM Post #7 |
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Geoff Horsfield
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<<Abuse deleted by Mods.>> |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 09:10 AM Post #8 |
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Mike Skinner
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I've given you the truth and because it's not what you want to hear you're crying :LOL: your life is such a mess Posted Image |
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| lordnewtown | Jul 7 2011, 09:15 AM Post #9 |
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Geoff Horsfield
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And why are you so happy about that? |
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| shadow | Jul 7 2011, 09:16 AM Post #10 |
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The Shadow
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Hey calm down guys... I'm not fantastic for advice but Lordnewtown, I reckon stay at home. You will miss your daughter but thats because you love her its natural, and who knows you may end up missing your wife. If money's tight that extra few hundred pounds could be a lifesaver as well as the fact your still going to be working. Personally you can make up the time with your daughter in the summer and take her away somewhere little maybe Devon etc as someone suggested at much less the cost. Or even a weekend. Breaks can help or actually damage a relationship. You will find you again if that makes sense. You will find out whether you enjoy being without your partner or not. What was your relationship like before you got married? If you did not see her a lot and went from that to seeing her everyday then that's your problem and a few weeks off will do wonders. Besides you could rekindle your love when she gets back by doing something romantic for her to come back to, she will love you for it... I.e. if shes back on the evening a romantic dinner or something :) |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 09:17 AM Post #11 |
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Mike Skinner
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You told me to go **** myself after I tried to help you **thumbup |
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| treetop | Jul 7 2011, 09:28 AM Post #12 |
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Alex Govan
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lordnewtown, canyou not try and sit down with the missus and explain exactly how you feel? Tell her how much you think of her and your daughter, how much you'll miss them but think it may be a good idea if she took the holiday and you stayed at home for a break |
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| blueblood | Jul 7 2011, 10:55 AM Post #13 |
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Johnny Vincent
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Get a credit card, max that out, get another credit card and max that one out, and if you need more money you don't have get another credit card and max that one out too. If you haven't already of course. |
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| BluesBot | Jul 7 2011, 11:06 AM Post #14 |
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Paul Tait
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Cant your wife condense the trip into 10 - 14 days rather than 21 ? Also I realise you are worried about the cost but isnt there a bigger picture here i.e Theres already a big problem if you and your wifes finances are not jointly managed, sounds like you keep them seperate apart from when paying for some things like you would if you were single people - your money should be her money and vice versa - you are supposed to a be a team are you not with shared interests i.e a daughter and no doubt a mortage. Also why didnt you and your wife discuss the why's and wherefores before booking a 3 week holiday / business trip ?, or did you give the wife signals it was ok - if you did then I think you are duty bound to go. Your wife has business interests to attend to then of course you should be supporting her and looking after the child - you moan about being away from your daughter for 3 weeks if you stay home but its ok if your wife is in a foreign country alone missing the pair of you whilst she has to attend to business - I think you are being rather selfish here. Why cant you and your daughter have fun together in jamaica while the wife is working then get together and enjoy eachothers company as a family when she is back - giving your wife time to wind down and forget her stresses ?, sounds like instead you will spend that time feeling bitter your wife is working then you will then be moody when she returns - might sound as if I am having a go at you but I am only reading into what you yourself have written. Again back to finances surely your wife thinks this trip is a great way to mix business and pleasure -and if the business meetings go well would that no creat further revenue for you both ? she would also no doubt be able to claim back the cost of some of the travel and accomodation etc from a tax point of view. And if you were clever about it maybe some of your costs too - although I could be wrong about that. You should go on this holiday / business trip not only to spend time away from normality but to spend time supporting your wife - put you mind to and think of the positives that you can gain from all this instead of coming up with and focusing on all the negatives. Finally you are posting on a public forum and putting your personal situation up for debate which simonbcfc has every right to comment on as long as he wasnt being insulting and breaking rules of conduct for the forum, if you dont like what he has put then you really shouldnt be posting that stuff here. Anyway I truly hope you sort this out with your wife and if you do go I hope your wife does well with her business interests and I hope you as a family have the holiday of a life time **thumbup |
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| Kaje | Jul 7 2011, 11:53 AM Post #15 |
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Garry Pendrey
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I'd go. It sounds like your wife could do with the support, and it sounds like your relationship could do with some time away from the norm. Yes, she might be out and about on business meetings - but if you don't go, who is going to look after your daughter? And if she's forced to take her with her to the clients, the business meetings might be adversely affected. Yep, you'll lose half of your monthly wage - but for a single month. And the intrinsic benefits of knowing you're helping your wife, spending time with your daughter and being in a nice environment outweigh the financial cost IMHO. If you don't go, your relationship might be affected. I know you don't WANT to go, but if you don't and your relationship suffers a hit then you'll wish you had. You'll spend the rest of your life knowing that YOU could have done something but chose not to. Go. Seriously, go. |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 12:08 PM Post #16 |
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Mike Skinner
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Sound advice here |
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| turunc | Jul 7 2011, 01:06 PM Post #17 |
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Frank Worthington
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I think if you don't go now you will most likely do considerable damage to the relationship with your wife, which in fairness seems to be in urgent need of some councilling if you are both serious about being together long term. The time to have the conversation is now, these sort of things never get better if left and it is better to bite the bullet and have the conversation and clear the air, also your wifes refund could be affected if you leave it to close to the leaving date. I think for anyone to give advice is difficult as there are so many unknown factors involved here, which is why sitting down with an impartial person at a marriage guidance session may be very worth while. A side from the financial implications, which seem to make the situation unviable for you, my concern is for your kids. If they are all excited about going to Jamaica with Mom & Dad their in for one hell of a let down and that is genuinely sad. As suggested by Maulley I think if you tell your wife you can not go on the trip you will have to deal with the fall out, I would suggest you quickly book a holiday which is more affordable for you to spend time with your kids to help them with their disappointment. Hope this helps. |
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| thehod | Jul 7 2011, 02:24 PM Post #18 |
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Mikael Forssell
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Yes, because rampant debt is always a smart move. |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 02:29 PM Post #19 |
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Mike Skinner
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Posted Image |
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| blueblood | Jul 7 2011, 03:07 PM Post #20 |
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Johnny Vincent
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:fishing: :fishing: Looks like we caught one. |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 03:18 PM Post #21 |
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Mike Skinner
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I'm really surprised, I thought it was too obvious, but no we got a biggie :LOL: Team effort high five Posted Image |
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| The Concerned Potato Head | Jul 7 2011, 04:56 PM Post #22 |
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Big Bawss
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think people need to lay off lordnewtown a little bit. it doesnt look as straight forward as it appears to me Ste, 1. i think you should postpone the trip for another month at least, a month that would be of less financial damage to you. now is the rainy season now anyway over there i think, Jamaica will still be 30 degrees whatever the month. 2. honestly, it does sound like you need some counselling with the missus. obviously finances are a big issue in your household and i think you 2 need a consistent and agreeable way of dealing with your money. her forcing the trip is not looking good for her tbh, especially when she knows the financial implications. 3. i think a trip away would only temporarily distract from the real issues you have going on at the moment. plus she will spending most of the weekdays on business while you look after the baby? what the hell kinda holiday is that? there's no point of that at all, although Jamaica is a very nice place, i don't see the dangling carrot for that one. if she is so hell bent on this, she should go alone and use her own money. meanwhile you can ask for her parents support while at home. she's being selfish mate, not reasonable at all, but that's women, that's what they do, they walk all over us! hopefully when you save up a bit more, you can have a genuine holiday, and maybe even her parents will be able to join you on hols and help with the baby while you relax. |
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| proccy_blues | Jul 7 2011, 06:15 PM Post #23 |
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Joe Bradford
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don't go - use the 3 weeks to dump her and get your apparently crappy life in order. every post i read of yours is based on misery and being broke - yet your wife appears to have plenty of money of her own - wtf????? what's that about? you don't have a relationship, you have a partnership held together with the glue that is your baby - and she will hate you too if you hang about promoting a miserable and dis-jointed relationship ( i use the term loosely ) now after that you may think i work for Relate, but i can assure you i dont :whistle: |
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| SimonBCFC | Jul 7 2011, 06:23 PM Post #24 |
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Mike Skinner
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-yB7J7DYi6M |
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| proccy_blues | Jul 7 2011, 06:25 PM Post #25 |
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Joe Bradford
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lmfao |
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2:36 PM Jul 11